Ever-presence

I recently stumbled upon a New York Times site discussing infertility, and it had several sound bites of women talking about their experiences with infertility. All the women had dealt with infertility in different ways. Two women decided in the end to be child-free, two others adopted, another did IVF, and another was going to start injections (like I have been doing) but ended up pregnant before it got to that point. It was very interesting to hear them speak. Many of the things that they spoke about really resonated with me. I have felt many times like I just don't know how to put into words what I am feeling and going through. Since no one else that is close to me in real life has gone through this hell, its hard to describe. 


Here is some of what they said that I can really connect with. 


"I think the thing that people don't understand about infertility is the ever-presence that it has. It's in your life all the time. Because you don't know, your life is kind of on permanent hold. From month to month you can't quite make a decision about are you going to take a different job are you going to move, are you going to set aside money for a vacation because everything is all about trying figure out how to decode the mystery." -Pamela Mahoney Psigdinos


Like I had mentioned before I think about it ALL THE TIME. It is always present, and I can put on a good front, but it hurts to be confronted with things that you don't know if you will ever have. 


"Complete loss of control, you don't know what your life is going to be like"  -Barbara Collura


I used to have things all mapped out. When we got married I thought, ok when we are 25 we will start trying to have a baby. Well that came and I was teaching, so I thought, well I shouldn't get pregnant my first year teaching, so I decided to wait. Then I got laid off, probably shouldn't start trying with no job. So we waited. Finally we thought things were going to be more stable. So lets try......and try.....and try.... to no avail. For a year. Ok well that is pretty normal since my cycles weren't that regular. Ok so I will start the cheap and easy fertility meds. Great! People have lots of success with them. Cycle one, so excited, nope, nothing. Cycle two. Same. Cycle three, four, five, and six. Still nothing. Ok well that was enough of that. What's next.? Seeing a specialist. Neat! Injections? IUI? Scary, but lets do this!! Cycle one......nothing. Cycle two......positive! Miscarriage. What now? Break time. 


"It's never going to be like everyone else does it" -Rebecca Flick


I can't just have sex and have a baby. That would be WAY too easy. I mean it happens, miraculously, for many people. But it honestly boggles my mind. How can it happen? How can it be so easy for some people?  How come I can't be one of those people? 


I am just hoping that this break is over soon... I am just waiting for good old AF to show and then we can move on to IUI #3. The break has been nice, but we are getting into CD 40-something, and I am ready to move on!

Life

Well again there isnt really much to update about. It's ben a pretty busy month. I erroneously thought that things might calm down since I am down to one job! But the hours I have been getting at Target are kinda odd, so I haven't been getting much accomplished at home! I also keep getting scheduled long stretches without a day off, which sucks, but I guess that is the story of my life.

Last weekend we went to a wedding for my second cousin, it was a nice wedding. However, I left the ceremony feeling like a bitter infertile. It was a catholic service, and we aren't catholic, and seven times (7!!!) the priest mentioned things about children "when you are blessed with children," "the blessing of children" "will you accept children" etc. Every time he said something it was like a little knife to my heart. I even started crying. I suppose if people saw it they thought I was just crying happiness for the wedding! But no. It was just a reminder of what was so very absent in my life. I hated that the service left me feeling crabby. But I was able to somewhat snap out of it at the reception. I got my baby fix with my youngest cousin's baby who is just over a year old and cute as can be. I was nervous the whole time that people would ask Micah and I about when we were going to have kids, but luckily no one did. I know many know that we are having troubles, but I am glad they didn't bring it up because I am sure I would have been a fountain of tears.

Another baby fix that I am getting is one day a week nannying. One of the team leads at Target approached me at the end of August asking me if I would want to watch her kids one day a week. I told her that I would love to! So every Wednesday I watch a 3 year old and a 5 month old. They have been a lot of fun. The 3 year old, Owen, is huge into reading and practicing his letters, I also get to take him to preschool every Weds morning. The baby is super mellow and is just a doll. The only thing that has been somewhat challenging is when the baby and I go out while we are waiting for Owen during preschool. I get lots of compliments about her, which is great, but I so wish I could say thank you as if she were mine. I have been trying to just keep thinking how wonderful it will be once I have a baby of my own, and I can be a proud mama!

Stuck

Nothing really interesting to post about....but I haven't posted in awhile so I thought I should. The summer is officially over. I finished up my last day of teaching camp at the zoo yesterday. It was somewhat sad, it was such a fun (but way too fast!) summer, and I will be excited to teach again next summer, unless of course a baby comes along!!! For now its just back to Target. I am thankful for a job, but I really would like something more! We have been taking a real hard look at our finances and making a budget and things aren't looking very pretty! Between all the fertility treatments and other stupid large things that keep popping up its just no fun. So we both have been trying to find new jobs, because we are getting paid peanuts and we can't keep it up forever. I suppose it is good that we aren't pregnant right now so we can get this stuff back in order but on the same token if we had a baby we would have gotten this crap in order a long time ago! Oh well. Just one of those times when I am getting down thinking about how unfair it is that I have to pump so much money into MAKING A BABY, that is supposed to be the fun, FREE part! The expensive stuff is supposed to come after the baby is born!

I feel like I am just getting to this point where I am feeling quite stuck. Not only because we are taking a break this month. But also because I just feel like I am going through the motions of my life but I am not always totally there. Having a baby and getting pregnant are CONSTANTLY on my mind. I go to work and do what I am supposed to do, but when other thoughts are not on the forefront its right back to baby, or lack thereof. Can it happen for us? When is it going to happen for us? Why is infertility happening to us? It all just seems so unfair.