Injections

Yesterday I went to the clinic to take a class about injections. I was nervous going in, not knowing what to expect. But was put at ease pretty quickly. There was another woman in the class with me, and we started talking in the waiting room. Sharing our stories that have gotten us to the specialist in the first place. The other woman was 34 and she had PCOS she has just started going to Dr. Malo as well. It was nice to get to talk to someone else about what its been like going through all this stuff. We swapped stories of the heartbreak thus far, as well as the excitement we felt when we first had positive ovulation tests! It was nice to talk with her.

The class itself was pretty short and sweet. The nurse showed us first the ovidrel injection. It's a pre-filled syringe that you just have to uncap and make sure that there isn't any air bubbles, then you inject right into your belly. That injection will just be done once a month when your doctor says you've got some mature follicles. Then she showed us the other injection which will be a daily injection. It's called follistim - its in a pen that you insert the vial of medication and just dial in to the does prescribed, and inject into your belly. Neither seems like they will be too difficult. I am sure that I will get all weirded out before I do the first shot, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

Support

As things have been moving along I have found that I need more support, and I need to know that other people have been where I am, and I need to know that it is ok, and I will get through it. So I have found myself back on the website The Bump - and on the community boards there, and scouring the internet for infertility blogs, and even videos on YouTube. I recently stumbled upon this video, which I think is very well done.

The one thing that is slightly annoying is that I don't feel that I can talk to many people in my everyday life about it. Which would be nice sometimes. There are a couple people at my job that I have told, and a couple friends. But it's not like I want the whole world knowing my business, but at the same time you do what to know who else might have gone through similar stuff, and might be able give you advice, or lend you an ear without making dumb comments. There is a National Infertility Association called Resolve, that has a great website, and they have a page about fertility etiquette and I wish everyone would know these things! Here is a bit about what they about fertility etiquette...

1. Don't tell them to relax - I don't know how many people have told me this, its far too many. And every time someone says it to me I just want to shake them! First of all, no I am way past the point of "just relaxing" and secondly, how can I relax when I am consumed with this need to be a mother, and nothing seems to be working right? The website states "Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year." "Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant."
2. Don't minimize the problem - This journey to have a baby has been filled with a rollercoaster of emotions and LOTS of crying. I am surrounded by people with kids and seen many come into this world all while I still try without luck. The website offers this little nugget "Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain"
3. Don't say there are worse things that could happen - I realize that you think this isn't the end of the world. But again, I have a goal in life to be a mom, and this, to me, right now, is the worst thing that could happen. 
4. Don't complain about your pregnancy - This one is a tough one, I have known LOTS of people that have been/ are pregnant right now. And while I do want to know how things are going for them and want to be supportive. Its super difficult to hear them talk about pregnancy and complain about it. Just being around pregnant people is difficult, and upon hearing complaints I just want to be sick. I would give anything at this point to be puking every day with morning sickness, gaining weight, getting stretchmarks, and waddling around everywhere - because those things would be stemming from the child growing inside of me! 

Anxious

I am so happy that things are moving along again, and the next step is to take a class about shots! On Monday I will be going in to learn how to administer my daily injections. I will be on shots to help egg follicles to develop, and then get another injection to actually stimulate ovulation. I was told when I was at my appointment last week that my insurance prefers a mail order pharmacy so I called to get a quote on my medications, they aren't cheap. So I was checking around today to see if I could just get them at Target, because then I could get a discount, and if the prices are close to what the mail order pharmacy was, I could save about $50 getting them at Target, which would be great! Especially if I have to get them for more than one cycle. 

So I am anxious about giving myself shots, and getting new meds, and seeing how I will react to them and all that jazz. I haven't really had any issues with the meds I have been on thus far, there were a few notable mood swings while on clomid (sorry babe!), and I did have some hot flashes as well as acne (ewww). But all of those things were temporary. Here's hoping I don't have to be on them for long!

Progress

There has finally been some progress! A week before last I was finally able to secure my referral to a specialist. I was given two choices, a place in Woodbury, or St.Paul. My first thought was the place in Woodbury, so I called there and left a message about my referral and wanting to come in. Then later that day I was looking up both places, and the place in St.Paul sounded better. The doctor there, Dr.John Malo - had many glowing reviews and has been noted as a top fertility specialist/ doc in the Twin Cities by Minnesota Monthly, and Minneapolis/St.Paul Magazine. So I decided that I would want to call them as well. I left a message with their new patient coordinator, and we ended up playing phone tag for several days, until finally we were able to connect via e-mail. After reading more about the clinic that he is at, The Center for Reproductive Medicine, I decided that I really wanted to go there. A lot of the options that they had there, seemed to be what I would be interested in, so I was happy with my choice. I got my initial consul set up, and to my surprise it was going to be in a little over a week, not the 2 months that my original Drs office said it might be. Another reason that I was happy with my choice was that I never did hear back from the office in Woodbury until a day or two before my appointment with Dr. Malo.

I just had my first appointment yesterday. I was really nervous, not only because I didn't know what to expect, but I was nervous that my charts and information of everything that I have been through before coming there wasn't going to get sent over in time. I had called my Drs office to see about getting everything over, and had one hell of a time dealing with the lady that takes care of it all. Not only because I was trying to figure out  if my information was getting there, but I also wanted to make sure that the results from the only test that Micah had to do, a semen analysis (SA), also got sent over. So I had faxed over the release forms, and I called the lady to see if I had sent the forms to the right place for Micah. I wanted to know if my OB had the results or if I needed to send the info to someone at United Hospital because that was where the test was performed. Well the lady kept saying "I don't know." Which made me all pissed, how could you not know, can you check? Well come to find out after arguing and getting all mad, that because of HIPAA she COULDN'T tell me. Well WTF why couldn't you have told me that from the start, that you couldn't tell me?? It would have saved me a huge work-up that ended up with me crying. Stupid jerk. 

Anyways, back to the appointment. They had sent me a bunch of paperwork before hand which I had filled out to give the Dr a little bit of a background, and there was a bit more to fill out when we got there. We first met with a nurse and we just went over my history and she wanted to know kind of the timeline thus far as far as when I started trying to conceive and when I first went on the medications that I have tried thus far. Which were provera - to give me a regular period, clomid - to stimulate ovulation, estrogen - which helps the uterine lining prepare for fertilization, and progesterone - which helps support early pregnancy, and I think helps with the luteal phase of a cycle. After that she asked about what tests I had performed and when. As well as any other things that would be helpful for the Dr. Then we waited in the waiting room until he was done with another couple. We got called, and the Dr wanted to do an ultrasound to start, to get a look at what was going on and check out my ovaries and such. So we went into the ultrasound room and the Dr came in and introduced himself and then did a vaginal ultrasound. He took several pictures and looked at both ovaries, the right one had one very good looking follicle and a few smaller. The left one had nothing. He had me get dressed and then we went to his office. He said that from what he saw of my charts I had been getting good care, and the Dr I had been seeing had been doing all the right tests and procedures so far. All my tests had come back fine, which was good. And Micah's SA had come back with good results as well. He talked about the meds that I had been on and said that its good what they had prescribed to me, and called them 'the  cheap and easy' drugs they are always the first tried because they are just that, cheap and easy to take. He went on to talk about my options now, the next step is to take inject-ables. Which are shots that are given at certain times in your cycle to trigger ovulation. Then after ovulation you go in and get intrauterine insemination or IUI. You go in a specific time after a trigger shot, and then they take all the good swimmers and concentrate them and insert them up into the site of fertilization, increasing the chances that the sperm and egg will mix well. They generally try the shot triggers and IUI about 3-4 times or cycles, and then its time to look at other options such as moving into IVF. So needless to say I really, really, really hope it works and we don't have to think about IVF. I don't know that I want to go there. So here's hoping!!!

Sad

Having a rough day today. I called my OB a little over a month ago to see what my next steps were, and to possibly get a referral to a specialist. After waiting and waiting I finally called yesterday to see what was going on and why I hadn't heard anything. Today I get a call from a nurse that finally has an update. So she tells me that a Dr. has looked at my info - mind you its a Dr that I have never seen - and she said that my HSG test came back fine (which I knew) and it "looks like you've been ovulating with clomid" (which I knew), and that she suggested that my husband get a semen analysis (which he had done before I had any tests). So basically she told me everything that I knew already, and I was quite upset that they apparently don't have it in my file that the semen analysis was done and came back normal. So really nothing happened. And now someone from a clinic is going to call me to get some information about insurance, so I go to the proper specialist with my insurance, and then someone else will be in contact with me to set up the appointment with said specialist. And that appointment will probably be in about 2 months. 2 MONTHS!?!? I already feel like this process has been dragging on forever, and now I feel like I am at a standstill again and it really blows.

Another added frustration is learning about more people in my life that are pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled! for them. But its always a little hard to hear about it, because I am always hoping that the next person to be expecting will be me. I guess the good thing about it is that I will have lots of people to go to for advice and help when it finally is my turn.

I have really been trying to stay positive throughout this whole thing, but it is such a roller coaster, one day you are ok with the fact that you are not pregnant, you are happy that you can live a carefree existence without worrying about another little person. The next day you see like 20 pregnant people and all you see is babies everywhere and can't stop thinking "Why isn't that ME??"

Love

I have started going to the chiropractor, and so far its going well. We'll see how well in a couple weeks! The Dr said that I am still pretty stiff in several places, but that will get better with a little more work.

This weekend I am out in California visiting my brother and niece, who just turned two. It's so fun to see her and how much she has changed since I saw her last, which was a year ago. It's also hard because she doesn't really know who I am very well, which is hard because we live so far apart. It's just so different from my relationship with my other nieces and nephews that are Micah's sister's kids. I hate that we can't be closer and see her more often!

Also, I have become obsessed with Mumford & Sons recently, especially the song "Sigh no more"

"There is a design, an alignment, a cry

of my heart to see, 

the beauty of love as it was made to be"

Those lyrics have resonated with me in a way that I just can't stop hearing it. It pretty much sums up how I feel like every fiber of my being is wanting to be a mom. 

Hope

This whole process has been a little extra frustrating to me because every test has come back ok. Every test and procedure that we have tried so far has come back with results that indicate that Micah and I should be fully functional. This is somewhat enraging. It appears that I have "unexplained infertility" and that is just so darn annoying. At least if something came back with some red flags we could be taking steps to correct said things and maybe be on our way.

I recently read a book called "The Conception Chronicles: the uncensored truth about sex, love and marriage when you are trying to get pregnant," it brought me a lot of hope, and some laughs. It was written by three mothers, all friends who had traveled this journey trying to get pregnant, and they very candidly wrote about their thoughts and feelings, and what they went through and I realized for the first time that I was not alone. I knew that lots of people struggled with this but, it seemed that no one else is my life was experiencing anything like I was. Not that I have been counting *cough* but 15 babies have been conceived or born to people I know since I have decided to start on this journey to be a Mom. While I am thrilled for all of them, another part of me is filled with sadness that I haven't experienced that joy yet. The book talked a lot about what these Mom's had went through as they started their journeys to get pregnant. I resonated with many of the things that they wrote about. From when they first got prescribed things like Clomid, waiting anxiously at the pharmacy and the feeling of wanting to run home and read about their new meds and get started on them. To getting a positive ovulation test, and wanting to get busy at that moment so not to waste the chance to try to conceive. One story that really gave me a good laugh, was about a woman who took an ovulation test while her husband was at work, and she got a positive so she called him and told him that he had to come home right away so they could get busy. He refused and said that it would have to wait until he got home. Well she didn't like that response so she drove to his work and called him from the parking ramp and demanded that he come out during his lunch break so they could have sex right there. Well they did, in the car, in the parking ramp. But lucky for them, that romp, or one that month worked! And she was pregnant, so her crazy paid off.

This week I am waiting on my Dr to give me a call to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. While I am somewhat excited to set this appointment up I am also upset that its come to this. I am nervous that I will have to start doing a bunch of injections (ouch!), and may have to move into in-vitro fertilization. Which all sounds very expensive, and unnecessary since it appears that nothing is wrong.

However- I have recently stumbled across some new hope, in alternative treatments that might be a better fit for me. Acupuncture or seeing a chiropractor. Both of these options seem way more appealing to me. I have been checking into our insurance to see if either would be covered for infertility - they are not - darn. But if I go to a chiro for back pain it would be covered, I have been having back issues with work recently, so maybe work on that will subsequently help other areas as well! I guess we'll see, I am going to the chiropractor on Monday, happy to get things moving along again!