Wait

And still we wait. I went back to the doctor today for another u/s and b/w. Follicles were still looking good but not much growth again. I am now on CD 22 - last cycle I had my IUI on CD 16. I was asking the nurse why I am taking so much longer to respond this time. And she said the usual 'everyone is so different and every cycle can be very different for the same person even'. She said there isn't a risk of 'tolerance' to the medication - so it is still working, but there are more eggs feeding off of it. She used an analogy that there is the same amount of 'food' on the table but more 'people' eating. Basically last cycle there were about 3 follicles that grew to measurable size, so they were the only ones utilizing the meds. But this time there are lots of more measurable follicles that are all utilizing the meds so none of them are really taking off and growing significantly between ultrasounds. So again I go back on Friday with hopefully a few beautiful looking follicles that will be ready to ovulate! The best news was the results of my bloodwork, they measure the level of estrogen, it was 120-something last Thursday, then it was 88 this weekend, 155 on Monday, and 270 today! They like to see and increase in the levels as you progress through your cycle and 200+ indicates that there are mature follicles, so hopefully that number will be even higher on Friday!

Slow

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! I feel like this cycle is taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R. At my u/s on Saturday everything was looking good, but the follicles weren't quite at the right size, so I did two more days of injections and went back this morning. I was very nervous at first because they said my blood-work from the weekend came back with my estrogen level decreased from a couple days before - which isn't a good sign if it continues to drop. So I was very nervous that things wouldn't be looking good. The follicles had grown a little more but still not totally up to par. So I have to do two more days of injections and then go back again on Wednesday for another u/s and more b/w. Then FINALLY I should be able to trigger and then have IUI #2 on Friday. So no pregnancy test around my birthday, but I suppose its better that way, because if its negative (which it won't be - lets stay positive!) then I won't have a ruined birthday!

Dreams

Well not much to update on at the moment. I have been going in for u/s this week and I am just waiting for my follicles to grow! I am doing the same protocol that I did last month, but my eggs aren't growing quite as fast. I had an appointment Monday, then again on Thursday and I thought by Thursday I would be triggering for an IUI this weekend, but no such luck, there wasn't much growth from Monday to Thursday. So I go in tomorrow morning and I am hoping that I will be triggering tomorrow night for an IUI on Monday.

After my first failed IUI I have been wanting to do some more reading, to help with coping with all the ups and downs. I found an interesting book that I have been enjoying that talks a lot about envisioning, and intention. I have found it to be quite helpful. I am doing things like thinking about what my babies will look like, thinking about that wonderful baby smell and thinking about what it will be like when I am pregnant. My best friend is due with her first in December, so I am also trying to think about me being pregnant when I go visit her in the hospital. The book is called "A Spiritual Path to Overcoming Infertility: Creating your miracle family now" and its been a quick, but useful read. I will leave you with a quote that I quite like from the book:

"Dream lofty dreams

and as you dream, 

so shall you become.

The greatest achievement was at first, 

and for a time, a dream.

The oak sleeps in the acorn;

the bird waits in the egg;

and in the highest vision of the soul, 

a waking angel stirs.

Dreams are the seedlings of realities."

- James Allen

Stress

I find that I have been feeling stressed over this whole mess quite frequently. Some days are good, and some days are not so good. The not so good days I dwell on all the negative things and I really hate that. But sometimes its just hard to get out of the funk. I found this little excerpt about stress and infertility from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. 

Stress Causing Infertility- Though infertility is a highly stressful experience, there is very little evidence that infertility can be caused by stress.  In rare cases, high levels of stress in women can change hormone levels and cause irregular ovulation.

Infertility Causing Stress- Research has shown that women undergoing treatment for infertility have a similar, and often higher, level of "stress" as women dealing with life-threatening illnesses such as cancer and heart disease.  Infertile couples experience chronic stress each month, first hoping that they will conceive and then dealing with the disappointment if they do not.

Why Infertility Is Stressful- When diagnosed with infertility, many couples may no longer feel in control of their bodies or their life plan.  Infertility can be a major crisis because the important life goal of parenthood is threatened.  Experience has shown them that if they work hard at something, they can achieve it.  With IF, this may not be the case.  IF testing testing and treatments can be physically, emotionally, and financially stressful.  A couple's intimacy is often reduced by the IF experience which further contributes to increased stress levels.

I found it quite interesting that women undergoing infertility treatments have a similar or higher stress level than women going through life-threatening illnesses. I think that ties in with the 3rd point that speaks about the goal of parenthood being threatened. It just seems like such a natural and easy thing to be able to do. I mean millions of people do it every year! Have sex, and next thing you know 9 months later.... baby! Right?? Well here I am 2 years later, and no baby. Try and try with all our might, no baby. I do have faith that it will happen, but I would like it to happen sooner rather than later! Some other recent reading said that fertility starts to decrease after 27, seeing as 28 is coming up in a couple weeks we gotta get this baby started!!!

Nutrition

Micah and I recently watched a documentary called Food Matters. It was quite interesting in its discussion about how the foods you eat and the nutrients you receive can be your medicine. It talks about how so much of our food is nutritionally-depleted and has so many chemical additives and how we so heavily rely on pharmaceutical drugs to treat out ailments, when much of it might stem from what we are eating. It discussed how just having the right kind of diet and nutritional supplements could even help cure things like cancer. It was very informative, and definitely sold us on taking more supplements along with helping keep us on a healthier diet.

Recently through their Facebook page they posted "7 Tips To Get Pregnant Naturally" So of course I had to check that out. It talks about increasing your vitamin and mineral intake - which Micah and I both have been doing since April. It also talks about eating healthy fats like avocados, olive and olive oil, coconut and coconut oil, fresh nuts, wild caught fish, and organic eggs. Other good things to eat are foods with a good content of folic acid, and iron - things like chickpeas, asparagus, spinach, broccoli, lima beans, romaine lettuce and oranges. I think those all sound like things that I can make sure to be eating! Especially avocados and oranges, I love them! Not necessarily together though...anways, here is the link to the site, I would also highly suggest seeing Food Matters, it was very educational!
Food Matters

Next

Today I went in for my CD3 ultrasound (u/s). The nurse said that everything looked great, my lining was thin, which is what they want to see at the beginning of a cycle, and there were no surprises in my ovaries. After the u/s I met with the nurse to go over the protocol that I will use this month. The Dr said that by all accounts this past cycle was a great one. The follicles were good, the sperm were good, I responded to meds well etc. So he wants to just do the same again.

Basically every cycle you have a 20% chance of getting pregnant. Before I was on the meds, my chances were much lower. So now that I am having more 'perfect cycles' because of the meds my chances of getting pregnant should be better. It seems crazy that you only have a 20% chance each time. How is it that some people get pregnant on the first try?? Or better yet, be on birth control and get pregnant, I guess I never needed to worry about that!  Anyways, I start my injections again today, and I go back for another u/s in a week, then they will see where things are at and move forward from there. Grow follies, grow!

Negative

Well by this time I have taken so many negative pregnancy tests that I can't even count. So today's news was no surprise. I went in for a blood test this morning and I just got official word that IUI #1 was a failure.

I am disappointed, but ready to get the ball rolling for the second IUI cycle. The Dr. wants me to do the same protocol that I did with the first cycle, because everything went great. So onto more shots and hopefully an big positive test maybe even in time for my birthday....now that would be a great present!

In other news we just got back from a wonderful long weekend up in Fargo for the fourth. We went up Friday night, Saturday we went to the pool. Sunday Alyssa and the girls went to Detroit Lakes with me to a birthday party for my friend Ashley's little boy, then we went to another lake to spend some time with my family that was up there. Back in Fargo we set up a tent in Alyssa's back yard and had my friends over for a bonfire, and then that night the 3 oldest kids and I slept in the tent. I was so surprised they all made it through the night! On the 4th we went to the pool again for a bit, but they closed early then we went over to some friends of Alyssa's for some food, and fireworks. We started fireworks early because some families leave before it gets too dark. About 9:30 it started getting really dark in the horizon but we kept going until it started to sprinkle - we even heard the sirens once but it was still pretty far off. It did start raining just shortly after 10 and so we all went in the basement for a bit. Once it was over we got back to our fireworks, and the had lots! It was a fun night. The next morning we learned there was a tornado sighted in Mapleton - which is where we were! We rounded out the weekend with another trip to the pool on Tuesday before heading home. Now its back to work.