Beta #3

It's over. Well, almost. My 3rd beta on Wednesday came back at a 5. I am going to miscarry. I am pretty numb.  And very sad. When they called I could tell right away that it was bad news, I actually held it together while I was on the phone with the nurse this time. But when I hung up I cried, texted my husband and then took a nap. I had to go to work after too. I really didn't want to go. But I can't really afford to not! So I called my sister-in-law and mom on my way to work. BAD IDEA. I was a crying mess to both of them and had a little sob fest in my car before I went into work. I am sure my eyes were all puffy and red when I went in too. I lucked out a little I only had to cashier for a bit, and then I got to go hang out at the service desk where I didn't have to deal with as many people. It was good to keep busy an be at work in the end. But once I got home to my husband I cried more.

I have stopped my progesterone so I should get my period, but if I don't I will have to go in next week for another blood draw to see what is going on. The good news is I can get pregnant. My body is capable. And it can happen again. And it will. I just don't know when!

Beta #2

I had my second blood test yesterday and it came back still somewhat inconclusive. My HCG level rose - which is a good thing, it went from 7 to 16. But this is not a high enough rise. So again I have to go back for another blood test on Wednesday. I am hoping that my numbers climb significantly otherwise I don't think this is going to be it.

IUI #2

Wow so I have been a little busy since my IUI, so again here is a long update.

IUI #2 was on July 31st. Since it was a Sunday I had to go to Minneapolis, so Micah and I got up early to head over there. Micah gave his sample, and then we went to breakfast, and then back for my IUI. I got into the room and got settled and then the nurse comes in to tell me how the sample was - it was good, not quite as high as last time but still good. And then asks if I have any questions. I told her no, this was my second so I knew what to expect. She then goes on to tell me that with the next cycle that they are going to change up my protocol a bit and have me alter the amount of injections every other day. Wait. WHAT? Next cycle? I don't want there to be a next cycle lady!! Why am I even here if you are just gonna write this one off as failed already??? I mostly just gave her a weird look. And left feeling not very good about the cycle.

Since then I have been busy with zoo camp, only 3 weeks left! Then I am hoping I will have another job! It was my birthday on the 5th, and I did the Relay for Life in Forest Lake that night, it was a good night, but I was exhausted after teaching all day and then walking all night for Relay! Micah's sister was in town that weekend as well, so on Saturday we celebrated Ethan's birthday and went to the Mall of America for a bit and then went to Minnehaha for a bit which was fun. Sunday we went to breakfast at Jensen's Cafe where they have my favorite syrup ever, its so caramelly and buttery and delicious!! Then we went to Micah's friends for a BBQ, followed by a little time at the zoo with the kiddos. This week I was teaching a different zoo camp which was fun, but also stressful. It was a photo class which has a lot of little things to do and remember! So I am glad this week is over.

This morning I had my official blood test and it came back somewhat inconclusive. My beta HCG level was a 7, which is technically positive but not as high as they would like to see. I didn't get to talk with the nurse that called as I was teaching this afternoon, so I don't know many more details than that, but I will need to go back Monday for another blood test. Hoping my numbers increase!!

Forward

Finally the next step! Went for my 8th(!!!) ultrasound of the month today and finally I have a big enough follicle to move forward! So tonight I triggered for ovulation and I have my second IUI on Sunday. In some ways its nice that it landed on a weekend so I don't have to miss work, but I was supposed to go to a wedding shower, which won't be happening now! I would have liked to see the family that is going to be there, but lets be honest, getting pregnant sounds like a better deal to me! :)

Wait

And still we wait. I went back to the doctor today for another u/s and b/w. Follicles were still looking good but not much growth again. I am now on CD 22 - last cycle I had my IUI on CD 16. I was asking the nurse why I am taking so much longer to respond this time. And she said the usual 'everyone is so different and every cycle can be very different for the same person even'. She said there isn't a risk of 'tolerance' to the medication - so it is still working, but there are more eggs feeding off of it. She used an analogy that there is the same amount of 'food' on the table but more 'people' eating. Basically last cycle there were about 3 follicles that grew to measurable size, so they were the only ones utilizing the meds. But this time there are lots of more measurable follicles that are all utilizing the meds so none of them are really taking off and growing significantly between ultrasounds. So again I go back on Friday with hopefully a few beautiful looking follicles that will be ready to ovulate! The best news was the results of my bloodwork, they measure the level of estrogen, it was 120-something last Thursday, then it was 88 this weekend, 155 on Monday, and 270 today! They like to see and increase in the levels as you progress through your cycle and 200+ indicates that there are mature follicles, so hopefully that number will be even higher on Friday!

Slow

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! I feel like this cycle is taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R. At my u/s on Saturday everything was looking good, but the follicles weren't quite at the right size, so I did two more days of injections and went back this morning. I was very nervous at first because they said my blood-work from the weekend came back with my estrogen level decreased from a couple days before - which isn't a good sign if it continues to drop. So I was very nervous that things wouldn't be looking good. The follicles had grown a little more but still not totally up to par. So I have to do two more days of injections and then go back again on Wednesday for another u/s and more b/w. Then FINALLY I should be able to trigger and then have IUI #2 on Friday. So no pregnancy test around my birthday, but I suppose its better that way, because if its negative (which it won't be - lets stay positive!) then I won't have a ruined birthday!

Dreams

Well not much to update on at the moment. I have been going in for u/s this week and I am just waiting for my follicles to grow! I am doing the same protocol that I did last month, but my eggs aren't growing quite as fast. I had an appointment Monday, then again on Thursday and I thought by Thursday I would be triggering for an IUI this weekend, but no such luck, there wasn't much growth from Monday to Thursday. So I go in tomorrow morning and I am hoping that I will be triggering tomorrow night for an IUI on Monday.

After my first failed IUI I have been wanting to do some more reading, to help with coping with all the ups and downs. I found an interesting book that I have been enjoying that talks a lot about envisioning, and intention. I have found it to be quite helpful. I am doing things like thinking about what my babies will look like, thinking about that wonderful baby smell and thinking about what it will be like when I am pregnant. My best friend is due with her first in December, so I am also trying to think about me being pregnant when I go visit her in the hospital. The book is called "A Spiritual Path to Overcoming Infertility: Creating your miracle family now" and its been a quick, but useful read. I will leave you with a quote that I quite like from the book:

"Dream lofty dreams

and as you dream, 

so shall you become.

The greatest achievement was at first, 

and for a time, a dream.

The oak sleeps in the acorn;

the bird waits in the egg;

and in the highest vision of the soul, 

a waking angel stirs.

Dreams are the seedlings of realities."

- James Allen