Having a rough day today. I called my OB a little over a month ago to see what my next steps were, and to possibly get a referral to a specialist. After waiting and waiting I finally called yesterday to see what was going on and why I hadn't heard anything. Today I get a call from a nurse that finally has an update. So she tells me that a Dr. has looked at my info - mind you its a Dr that I have never seen - and she said that my HSG test came back fine (which I knew) and it "looks like you've been ovulating with clomid" (which I knew), and that she suggested that my husband get a semen analysis (which he had done before I had any tests). So basically she told me everything that I knew already, and I was quite upset that they apparently don't have it in my file that the semen analysis was done and came back normal. So really nothing happened. And now someone from a clinic is going to call me to get some information about insurance, so I go to the proper specialist with my insurance, and then someone else will be in contact with me to set up the appointment with said specialist. And that appointment will probably be in about 2 months. 2 MONTHS!?!? I already feel like this process has been dragging on forever, and now I feel like I am at a standstill again and it really blows.
Another added frustration is learning about more people in my life that are pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled! for them. But its always a little hard to hear about it, because I am always hoping that the next person to be expecting will be me. I guess the good thing about it is that I will have lots of people to go to for advice and help when it finally is my turn.
I have really been trying to stay positive throughout this whole thing, but it is such a roller coaster, one day you are ok with the fact that you are not pregnant, you are happy that you can live a carefree existence without worrying about another little person. The next day you see like 20 pregnant people and all you see is babies everywhere and can't stop thinking "Why isn't that ME??"
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Love
I have started going to the chiropractor, and so far its going well. We'll see how well in a couple weeks! The Dr said that I am still pretty stiff in several places, but that will get better with a little more work.
This weekend I am out in California visiting my brother and niece, who just turned two. It's so fun to see her and how much she has changed since I saw her last, which was a year ago. It's also hard because she doesn't really know who I am very well, which is hard because we live so far apart. It's just so different from my relationship with my other nieces and nephews that are Micah's sister's kids. I hate that we can't be closer and see her more often!
Also, I have become obsessed with Mumford & Sons recently, especially the song "Sigh no more"
This weekend I am out in California visiting my brother and niece, who just turned two. It's so fun to see her and how much she has changed since I saw her last, which was a year ago. It's also hard because she doesn't really know who I am very well, which is hard because we live so far apart. It's just so different from my relationship with my other nieces and nephews that are Micah's sister's kids. I hate that we can't be closer and see her more often!
Also, I have become obsessed with Mumford & Sons recently, especially the song "Sigh no more"
"There is a design, an alignment, a cry
of my heart to see,
the beauty of love as it was made to be"
Those lyrics have resonated with me in a way that I just can't stop hearing it. It pretty much sums up how I feel like every fiber of my being is wanting to be a mom.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Hope
This whole process has been a little extra frustrating to me because every test has come back ok. Every test and procedure that we have tried so far has come back with results that indicate that Micah and I should be fully functional. This is somewhat enraging. It appears that I have "unexplained infertility" and that is just so darn annoying. At least if something came back with some red flags we could be taking steps to correct said things and maybe be on our way.
I recently read a book called "The Conception Chronicles: the uncensored truth about sex, love and marriage when you are trying to get pregnant," it brought me a lot of hope, and some laughs. It was written by three mothers, all friends who had traveled this journey trying to get pregnant, and they very candidly wrote about their thoughts and feelings, and what they went through and I realized for the first time that I was not alone. I knew that lots of people struggled with this but, it seemed that no one else is my life was experiencing anything like I was. Not that I have been counting *cough* but 15 babies have been conceived or born to people I know since I have decided to start on this journey to be a Mom. While I am thrilled for all of them, another part of me is filled with sadness that I haven't experienced that joy yet. The book talked a lot about what these Mom's had went through as they started their journeys to get pregnant. I resonated with many of the things that they wrote about. From when they first got prescribed things like Clomid, waiting anxiously at the pharmacy and the feeling of wanting to run home and read about their new meds and get started on them. To getting a positive ovulation test, and wanting to get busy at that moment so not to waste the chance to try to conceive. One story that really gave me a good laugh, was about a woman who took an ovulation test while her husband was at work, and she got a positive so she called him and told him that he had to come home right away so they could get busy. He refused and said that it would have to wait until he got home. Well she didn't like that response so she drove to his work and called him from the parking ramp and demanded that he come out during his lunch break so they could have sex right there. Well they did, in the car, in the parking ramp. But lucky for them, that romp, or one that month worked! And she was pregnant, so her crazy paid off.
This week I am waiting on my Dr to give me a call to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. While I am somewhat excited to set this appointment up I am also upset that its come to this. I am nervous that I will have to start doing a bunch of injections (ouch!), and may have to move into in-vitro fertilization. Which all sounds very expensive, and unnecessary since it appears that nothing is wrong.
However- I have recently stumbled across some new hope, in alternative treatments that might be a better fit for me. Acupuncture or seeing a chiropractor. Both of these options seem way more appealing to me. I have been checking into our insurance to see if either would be covered for infertility - they are not - darn. But if I go to a chiro for back pain it would be covered, I have been having back issues with work recently, so maybe work on that will subsequently help other areas as well! I guess we'll see, I am going to the chiropractor on Monday, happy to get things moving along again!
I recently read a book called "The Conception Chronicles: the uncensored truth about sex, love and marriage when you are trying to get pregnant," it brought me a lot of hope, and some laughs. It was written by three mothers, all friends who had traveled this journey trying to get pregnant, and they very candidly wrote about their thoughts and feelings, and what they went through and I realized for the first time that I was not alone. I knew that lots of people struggled with this but, it seemed that no one else is my life was experiencing anything like I was. Not that I have been counting *cough* but 15 babies have been conceived or born to people I know since I have decided to start on this journey to be a Mom. While I am thrilled for all of them, another part of me is filled with sadness that I haven't experienced that joy yet. The book talked a lot about what these Mom's had went through as they started their journeys to get pregnant. I resonated with many of the things that they wrote about. From when they first got prescribed things like Clomid, waiting anxiously at the pharmacy and the feeling of wanting to run home and read about their new meds and get started on them. To getting a positive ovulation test, and wanting to get busy at that moment so not to waste the chance to try to conceive. One story that really gave me a good laugh, was about a woman who took an ovulation test while her husband was at work, and she got a positive so she called him and told him that he had to come home right away so they could get busy. He refused and said that it would have to wait until he got home. Well she didn't like that response so she drove to his work and called him from the parking ramp and demanded that he come out during his lunch break so they could have sex right there. Well they did, in the car, in the parking ramp. But lucky for them, that romp, or one that month worked! And she was pregnant, so her crazy paid off.
This week I am waiting on my Dr to give me a call to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. While I am somewhat excited to set this appointment up I am also upset that its come to this. I am nervous that I will have to start doing a bunch of injections (ouch!), and may have to move into in-vitro fertilization. Which all sounds very expensive, and unnecessary since it appears that nothing is wrong.
However- I have recently stumbled across some new hope, in alternative treatments that might be a better fit for me. Acupuncture or seeing a chiropractor. Both of these options seem way more appealing to me. I have been checking into our insurance to see if either would be covered for infertility - they are not - darn. But if I go to a chiro for back pain it would be covered, I have been having back issues with work recently, so maybe work on that will subsequently help other areas as well! I guess we'll see, I am going to the chiropractor on Monday, happy to get things moving along again!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Goals
All along this journey I have made little goals that I hoped to achieve.
When we first got married I thought maybe we would start trying when we were 25. Well that came and went without much thought about it.
Then it was we will wait until I have a job. So I got my teaching job, and then we thought that it might not be smart to try during my first year teaching. So that came and went, then I got laid off, so again, maybe not a good time. But it was that summer after I got laid off that I did go off the pill.
So my first goal was to be pregnant by the time my younger brother graduated from high school - that was June 2010. Clearly no dice.
Summer 2010 we found out Micah's sister, Alyssa, was pregnant with her 4th baby. I was thrilled for her, but then I was even more bummed that I still wasn't pregnant. Over the course of the time that I have been trying it has seemed that everyone I know has gotten pregnant. While I was so happy for these people, it hurt so much inside that I wasn't one of them.
So then my goal became to be pregnant before Alyssa had her baby. I thought about how great it would be if they were close in age. Well little miss Olivia Grace was born in February.
Then I had a goal to have a baby this year....but as March comes to a close I don't think that is going to happen.
So I don't know that goals were a good idea, because so far none of them have worked out. Somehow they do help me think of a positive reason that it hasn't happened yet, but I might be done with goal making.
When we first got married I thought maybe we would start trying when we were 25. Well that came and went without much thought about it.
Then it was we will wait until I have a job. So I got my teaching job, and then we thought that it might not be smart to try during my first year teaching. So that came and went, then I got laid off, so again, maybe not a good time. But it was that summer after I got laid off that I did go off the pill.
So my first goal was to be pregnant by the time my younger brother graduated from high school - that was June 2010. Clearly no dice.
Summer 2010 we found out Micah's sister, Alyssa, was pregnant with her 4th baby. I was thrilled for her, but then I was even more bummed that I still wasn't pregnant. Over the course of the time that I have been trying it has seemed that everyone I know has gotten pregnant. While I was so happy for these people, it hurt so much inside that I wasn't one of them.
So then my goal became to be pregnant before Alyssa had her baby. I thought about how great it would be if they were close in age. Well little miss Olivia Grace was born in February.
Then I had a goal to have a baby this year....but as March comes to a close I don't think that is going to happen.
So I don't know that goals were a good idea, because so far none of them have worked out. Somehow they do help me think of a positive reason that it hasn't happened yet, but I might be done with goal making.
Frustrated
So, this may not be the best way to start a blog, but it's where I am at right now, and I just need to get this stuff off my chest.
Micah and I have been trying to conceive for just over a year and a half now. It's been an interesting ride.
The decision to start on this journey started with me going off the pill. That happened at the end of July 2009. It was exciting knowing that we were on our way, the following month I had a pretty normal cycle, but then after that is when things starting to go wrong. After that cycle I went 6 months without getting a cycle. Let's be honest it was kind of nice for a while, not having to deal with that. But after about 3 months it was starting to get annoying because nothing was happening. When I asked my OB/GYN about it, I was told that it was likely just taking my body a long time to adjust to life without regulated hormones in the pills. So she told me to wait for a cycle and then we would go from there. Finally in January 2010 I had a cycle, then I got prescribed a pill that would induce a cycle if another one didn't happen after 40 days. So I started doing that every month, because I would not get my cycle on my own. After 5 months inducing cycles but nothing else happening I made the decision to go on Clomid. If you don't know anything about fertility issues, this is generally the first step in trying to make things happen. I was very exciting about the prospect of Clomid because I had heard many good stories about peoples good luck while on it. So I started that in August 2010. The first month was great, I took my clomid, diligently watched my charts for signs of ovulation and got to work. Then there was the first, of many, two-week-waits. Where everyday I would think about how wonderful it would be if there was a little bundle of cells starting to develop inside. Well the time came and the test was negative. Bummer. Tried a couple days later and still negative. Got to day 40 of my cycle and took the meds to start a new cycle.
The second and third month of Clomid, I again had high hopes, but again no positive pregnancy test. The fourth month I finally got my cycle on my own, which I was sad to see, but it was also good that my body seemed to have finally figured itself out. Around this same time we started doing some more testing to see what might be the issue. The first test was a semen analysis, which required Micah to collect a sample in a cup, and then we had to rush it to the hospital labs to be analyzed. Results came back from that and everything was normal and ok. So then started the tests on my end. The first this I had done at the end of September was an HSG test. HSG stands for hysterosalpingogram, It is an x-ray done of inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes. The Dr injects a dye into you tubes and then looks at it to see if there are any blockages in the fallopian tubes. It was pretty uncomfortable but they give you some meds for pain, and it didn't last very long. Results from that came back and everything looked great, uterus looked fine, and there were no blockages in my tubes.
October came and I was feeling super positive about things, I have been charting temps and they had been staying elevated for longer that they ever had, and I was having some symptoms that were similar to early pregnancy symptoms, so I was convinced I would get a positive. But alas, no. And then a new cycle started. In December when I went into the Dr I was put on some new pills along with the Clomid. My doctor now wanted me to take Clomid, then Estrogen and then Progesterone. So I did that for the next 3 cycles, and still no luck.
So here it is now March 2011, and still no baby bump. Every month is such a roller coaster. The beginning of a cycle I have to be so consistent with taking my meds, then testing for ovulation, then comes the fun part of attempting to make the baby, then the wait to test, and then the test. And every month I get a high when I see that I have ovulated, and then a total low, and almost crushing feeling to see that yet again I am still not pregnant.
I never, ever, imagined it would be this hard.
Micah and I have been trying to conceive for just over a year and a half now. It's been an interesting ride.
The decision to start on this journey started with me going off the pill. That happened at the end of July 2009. It was exciting knowing that we were on our way, the following month I had a pretty normal cycle, but then after that is when things starting to go wrong. After that cycle I went 6 months without getting a cycle. Let's be honest it was kind of nice for a while, not having to deal with that. But after about 3 months it was starting to get annoying because nothing was happening. When I asked my OB/GYN about it, I was told that it was likely just taking my body a long time to adjust to life without regulated hormones in the pills. So she told me to wait for a cycle and then we would go from there. Finally in January 2010 I had a cycle, then I got prescribed a pill that would induce a cycle if another one didn't happen after 40 days. So I started doing that every month, because I would not get my cycle on my own. After 5 months inducing cycles but nothing else happening I made the decision to go on Clomid. If you don't know anything about fertility issues, this is generally the first step in trying to make things happen. I was very exciting about the prospect of Clomid because I had heard many good stories about peoples good luck while on it. So I started that in August 2010. The first month was great, I took my clomid, diligently watched my charts for signs of ovulation and got to work. Then there was the first, of many, two-week-waits. Where everyday I would think about how wonderful it would be if there was a little bundle of cells starting to develop inside. Well the time came and the test was negative. Bummer. Tried a couple days later and still negative. Got to day 40 of my cycle and took the meds to start a new cycle.
The second and third month of Clomid, I again had high hopes, but again no positive pregnancy test. The fourth month I finally got my cycle on my own, which I was sad to see, but it was also good that my body seemed to have finally figured itself out. Around this same time we started doing some more testing to see what might be the issue. The first test was a semen analysis, which required Micah to collect a sample in a cup, and then we had to rush it to the hospital labs to be analyzed. Results came back from that and everything was normal and ok. So then started the tests on my end. The first this I had done at the end of September was an HSG test. HSG stands for hysterosalpingogram, It is an x-ray done of inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes. The Dr injects a dye into you tubes and then looks at it to see if there are any blockages in the fallopian tubes. It was pretty uncomfortable but they give you some meds for pain, and it didn't last very long. Results from that came back and everything looked great, uterus looked fine, and there were no blockages in my tubes.
October came and I was feeling super positive about things, I have been charting temps and they had been staying elevated for longer that they ever had, and I was having some symptoms that were similar to early pregnancy symptoms, so I was convinced I would get a positive. But alas, no. And then a new cycle started. In December when I went into the Dr I was put on some new pills along with the Clomid. My doctor now wanted me to take Clomid, then Estrogen and then Progesterone. So I did that for the next 3 cycles, and still no luck.
So here it is now March 2011, and still no baby bump. Every month is such a roller coaster. The beginning of a cycle I have to be so consistent with taking my meds, then testing for ovulation, then comes the fun part of attempting to make the baby, then the wait to test, and then the test. And every month I get a high when I see that I have ovulated, and then a total low, and almost crushing feeling to see that yet again I am still not pregnant.
I never, ever, imagined it would be this hard.
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