Ever-presence

I recently stumbled upon a New York Times site discussing infertility, and it had several sound bites of women talking about their experiences with infertility. All the women had dealt with infertility in different ways. Two women decided in the end to be child-free, two others adopted, another did IVF, and another was going to start injections (like I have been doing) but ended up pregnant before it got to that point. It was very interesting to hear them speak. Many of the things that they spoke about really resonated with me. I have felt many times like I just don't know how to put into words what I am feeling and going through. Since no one else that is close to me in real life has gone through this hell, its hard to describe. 


Here is some of what they said that I can really connect with. 


"I think the thing that people don't understand about infertility is the ever-presence that it has. It's in your life all the time. Because you don't know, your life is kind of on permanent hold. From month to month you can't quite make a decision about are you going to take a different job are you going to move, are you going to set aside money for a vacation because everything is all about trying figure out how to decode the mystery." -Pamela Mahoney Psigdinos


Like I had mentioned before I think about it ALL THE TIME. It is always present, and I can put on a good front, but it hurts to be confronted with things that you don't know if you will ever have. 


"Complete loss of control, you don't know what your life is going to be like"  -Barbara Collura


I used to have things all mapped out. When we got married I thought, ok when we are 25 we will start trying to have a baby. Well that came and I was teaching, so I thought, well I shouldn't get pregnant my first year teaching, so I decided to wait. Then I got laid off, probably shouldn't start trying with no job. So we waited. Finally we thought things were going to be more stable. So lets try......and try.....and try.... to no avail. For a year. Ok well that is pretty normal since my cycles weren't that regular. Ok so I will start the cheap and easy fertility meds. Great! People have lots of success with them. Cycle one, so excited, nope, nothing. Cycle two. Same. Cycle three, four, five, and six. Still nothing. Ok well that was enough of that. What's next.? Seeing a specialist. Neat! Injections? IUI? Scary, but lets do this!! Cycle one......nothing. Cycle two......positive! Miscarriage. What now? Break time. 


"It's never going to be like everyone else does it" -Rebecca Flick


I can't just have sex and have a baby. That would be WAY too easy. I mean it happens, miraculously, for many people. But it honestly boggles my mind. How can it happen? How can it be so easy for some people?  How come I can't be one of those people? 


I am just hoping that this break is over soon... I am just waiting for good old AF to show and then we can move on to IUI #3. The break has been nice, but we are getting into CD 40-something, and I am ready to move on!

Life

Well again there isnt really much to update about. It's ben a pretty busy month. I erroneously thought that things might calm down since I am down to one job! But the hours I have been getting at Target are kinda odd, so I haven't been getting much accomplished at home! I also keep getting scheduled long stretches without a day off, which sucks, but I guess that is the story of my life.

Last weekend we went to a wedding for my second cousin, it was a nice wedding. However, I left the ceremony feeling like a bitter infertile. It was a catholic service, and we aren't catholic, and seven times (7!!!) the priest mentioned things about children "when you are blessed with children," "the blessing of children" "will you accept children" etc. Every time he said something it was like a little knife to my heart. I even started crying. I suppose if people saw it they thought I was just crying happiness for the wedding! But no. It was just a reminder of what was so very absent in my life. I hated that the service left me feeling crabby. But I was able to somewhat snap out of it at the reception. I got my baby fix with my youngest cousin's baby who is just over a year old and cute as can be. I was nervous the whole time that people would ask Micah and I about when we were going to have kids, but luckily no one did. I know many know that we are having troubles, but I am glad they didn't bring it up because I am sure I would have been a fountain of tears.

Another baby fix that I am getting is one day a week nannying. One of the team leads at Target approached me at the end of August asking me if I would want to watch her kids one day a week. I told her that I would love to! So every Wednesday I watch a 3 year old and a 5 month old. They have been a lot of fun. The 3 year old, Owen, is huge into reading and practicing his letters, I also get to take him to preschool every Weds morning. The baby is super mellow and is just a doll. The only thing that has been somewhat challenging is when the baby and I go out while we are waiting for Owen during preschool. I get lots of compliments about her, which is great, but I so wish I could say thank you as if she were mine. I have been trying to just keep thinking how wonderful it will be once I have a baby of my own, and I can be a proud mama!

Stuck

Nothing really interesting to post about....but I haven't posted in awhile so I thought I should. The summer is officially over. I finished up my last day of teaching camp at the zoo yesterday. It was somewhat sad, it was such a fun (but way too fast!) summer, and I will be excited to teach again next summer, unless of course a baby comes along!!! For now its just back to Target. I am thankful for a job, but I really would like something more! We have been taking a real hard look at our finances and making a budget and things aren't looking very pretty! Between all the fertility treatments and other stupid large things that keep popping up its just no fun. So we both have been trying to find new jobs, because we are getting paid peanuts and we can't keep it up forever. I suppose it is good that we aren't pregnant right now so we can get this stuff back in order but on the same token if we had a baby we would have gotten this crap in order a long time ago! Oh well. Just one of those times when I am getting down thinking about how unfair it is that I have to pump so much money into MAKING A BABY, that is supposed to be the fun, FREE part! The expensive stuff is supposed to come after the baby is born!

I feel like I am just getting to this point where I am feeling quite stuck. Not only because we are taking a break this month. But also because I just feel like I am going through the motions of my life but I am not always totally there. Having a baby and getting pregnant are CONSTANTLY on my mind. I go to work and do what I am supposed to do, but when other thoughts are not on the forefront its right back to baby, or lack thereof. Can it happen for us? When is it going to happen for us? Why is infertility happening to us? It all just seems so unfair.

Break

So we are officially on a break. This past cycle was very stressful, and ended terribly, so we have decided to sit this next one out. We will still try, on our own, but there won't be any injections or multiple visits to the Dr involved. I think it will be a welcome change, but knowing that I can get pregnant with all the help, doesn't make me want to stop. But the stress of it all will not be missed. 


Recently on a board that I frequent someone said something about the Michael Buble song "Haven't Met You Yet" that I hadn't really put together, maybe because I'm slow... but they were talking about how it could be a song about infertility, and man did that hit home. Just check out the lyrics.

I'm not surprised. Not everything lasts.

I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.

Talk myself in. I talk myself out.

I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.

I came up with a million excuses.

I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.

You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

I might have to wait. I'll never give up.

I guess it's half timing,

And the other half's luck.

Wherever you are. Whenever it's right.

You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.

And baby your love is gonna change me.

And now I can see every possibility.

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.

And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And I promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair. In love and war.

But I won't need to fight it.

We'll get it right and, We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.

And being in your life is gonna change me.

And now I can see every single possibility.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.

And I'll work to work it out.

Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,

Than I get, than I get, than I get.

You know it'll all turn out.

And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And I promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.

Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet.

Beta #3

It's over. Well, almost. My 3rd beta on Wednesday came back at a 5. I am going to miscarry. I am pretty numb.  And very sad. When they called I could tell right away that it was bad news, I actually held it together while I was on the phone with the nurse this time. But when I hung up I cried, texted my husband and then took a nap. I had to go to work after too. I really didn't want to go. But I can't really afford to not! So I called my sister-in-law and mom on my way to work. BAD IDEA. I was a crying mess to both of them and had a little sob fest in my car before I went into work. I am sure my eyes were all puffy and red when I went in too. I lucked out a little I only had to cashier for a bit, and then I got to go hang out at the service desk where I didn't have to deal with as many people. It was good to keep busy an be at work in the end. But once I got home to my husband I cried more.

I have stopped my progesterone so I should get my period, but if I don't I will have to go in next week for another blood draw to see what is going on. The good news is I can get pregnant. My body is capable. And it can happen again. And it will. I just don't know when!

Beta #2

I had my second blood test yesterday and it came back still somewhat inconclusive. My HCG level rose - which is a good thing, it went from 7 to 16. But this is not a high enough rise. So again I have to go back for another blood test on Wednesday. I am hoping that my numbers climb significantly otherwise I don't think this is going to be it.

IUI #2

Wow so I have been a little busy since my IUI, so again here is a long update.

IUI #2 was on July 31st. Since it was a Sunday I had to go to Minneapolis, so Micah and I got up early to head over there. Micah gave his sample, and then we went to breakfast, and then back for my IUI. I got into the room and got settled and then the nurse comes in to tell me how the sample was - it was good, not quite as high as last time but still good. And then asks if I have any questions. I told her no, this was my second so I knew what to expect. She then goes on to tell me that with the next cycle that they are going to change up my protocol a bit and have me alter the amount of injections every other day. Wait. WHAT? Next cycle? I don't want there to be a next cycle lady!! Why am I even here if you are just gonna write this one off as failed already??? I mostly just gave her a weird look. And left feeling not very good about the cycle.

Since then I have been busy with zoo camp, only 3 weeks left! Then I am hoping I will have another job! It was my birthday on the 5th, and I did the Relay for Life in Forest Lake that night, it was a good night, but I was exhausted after teaching all day and then walking all night for Relay! Micah's sister was in town that weekend as well, so on Saturday we celebrated Ethan's birthday and went to the Mall of America for a bit and then went to Minnehaha for a bit which was fun. Sunday we went to breakfast at Jensen's Cafe where they have my favorite syrup ever, its so caramelly and buttery and delicious!! Then we went to Micah's friends for a BBQ, followed by a little time at the zoo with the kiddos. This week I was teaching a different zoo camp which was fun, but also stressful. It was a photo class which has a lot of little things to do and remember! So I am glad this week is over.

This morning I had my official blood test and it came back somewhat inconclusive. My beta HCG level was a 7, which is technically positive but not as high as they would like to see. I didn't get to talk with the nurse that called as I was teaching this afternoon, so I don't know many more details than that, but I will need to go back Monday for another blood test. Hoping my numbers increase!!