Labor

It's a boy! We welcomed Tobin Martin into the world on June 9, 2012 at 3:18 pm. He was 8lb 11oz and 21 in long. 

Photo by Ashley Oberholtzer Photography

Labor was the most amazing thing. I started having contractions on the 8th, a Friday night. I started keeping track of them on this handy little app that Micah had downloaded for me. They weren't painful or anything right away, but I could tell something was happening. They started out about 15 to 30 minutes apart. I started tracking them about 10 or 10:30 that night. We were watching TV and I was putzing around the house and stuff, and I was pretty restless. Finally about 1 am or so, I said to Micah that we really should get some sleep because I was pretty sure that things were going to be happening soon! So we went to bed, I didn't really sleep a whole lot that night, I was up every 10 to 20 minutes with contractions. At first I could just keep laying in bed and breathe through them, but then as a couple hours went by I had to move. I had gotten a birthing ball from one of Micah's co-workers that morning and I was so thankful that I had it! Once I had to move I held the ball on the bed and leaned over it to breathe through the contractions. I was able to a bit between them, but never got a great sleep. By about 7 am the contractions were getting a bit stronger and I couldn't sleep anymore, so I got up and took a shower. I called the midwife on-call at about 8 or so. At that time my contractions were averaging about 7 to 10 minutes apart. And I could tolerate them still just fine. So she said that if I felt comfortable that I should stay at home a little longer. So I did. Micah got up and got himself ready and we took care of the dogs and got the car packed. He made breakfast for us both and then we just kind of waited. The contractions were getting stronger, and I kept using the birthing ball to kind of lean over and roll on a little bit through the tougher ones. About 11 am I was noticing that the contractions were anywhere from 2 1/2 to 5 minutes apart so I called the midwife again. She didn't get back to me as quick as before, and before I knew it it was 11:30, and the contractions were getting a little stronger, so I called back, and she got back to me quick, and she said I was definitely sounding like I should come in! So off we went.

Right before leaving for the hospital

I had a couple contractions in the car, on our about 10 minute drive to Woodwinds. When we got there Micah dropped me off and I went in and had another right when I walked in the door. A lady came to take me up, and I said I was waiting for my husband. She asked how far apart my contractions were and when I said 2 1/2 to 5 minutes, she said too bad we're going! Haha, he was right behind us though so it was ok. 


Got up to Labor and Delivery and into a triage room, and a nurse came first to get us checked in. It was about 12:10 or so at this point. I had about 5 or 6 contractions while we were in the room there as well. I was having a lot of back labor so I kept having to roll over and get on my hands and knees to work through the contractions. While the nurse ran out to get something before the midwife got there all the sudden my mouth filled with saliva and I said to Micah "I think I'm gonna throw up" so he ran to the garbage and got it under me just in time. It was so weird, it came outta no where and when the nurse came back and I told her I just threw up she basically said "Oh! Good!" because it was a sign that things were progressing well. When the midwife came she checked my cervix and I was thrilled (as was she!) that I was dilated to 6 cm!! I was so happy that I was that far along! At all my appointments previously I was only at a 1 if that. So she said we could definitely head off to a room and get things going. I also wanted a doula to help me through labor, so the midwife put the call out to the on-call doula to come in at that point. 


We got settled in our room and I had them elevate the bed pretty high so I could lean on it and I labored standing leaning over the bed for awhile. Micah was super helpful through the back labor by putting lots of pressure on my hips through the tough contractions. Once they started getting a little tougher I got a birthing ball again and put that up on the bed and kneeled over it. Micah still being wonderful and helping with the counter-pressure and pushing on my hips. After about 40 minutes or so I decided I wanted to get in the tub for a bit. So they drew up a bath and I got in. It was very nice laboring in the tub. Between contractions I just laid back and could relax. Once I was in the tub for about 5-10 minutes the doula arrived. She was wonderful! She jumped right in giving me some great suggestions about helping to focus on my breathing and was giving Micah some ideas of how to help me as well. She got some cool washcloths that they put on my forehead and back which were helpful. After about an hour or so in the tub I was really getting the urge to push so I decided I needed to get out! To resist the urge while I was still in there the doula had a great breathing technique kind of making a "shhh" sound that helped me fight that urge to push, it was odd but it helped, so that I could get out before baby came in the tub!


I got out and dried off, and transferred to the bed. My midwife checked me and my cervix was gone, so I got the green light to start pushing. So we got all set up, the midwife at the end of the bed, Micah on one side holding one leg, and my doula on the other side holding my other leg and then came the pushing. I started pushing about 2:50 or so. After the first push or two, my water hadn't broke so the midwife said that I could continue pushing and baby could be delivered in the bag of waters. Or she could break my water and things would likely progress more quickly. So I said, lets break that baby open! It wasn't as crazy of a gush and they and I thought it would be. Once that was done back to pushing. The pushing was hard and I was using all my might. I hadn't gotten any pain meds, and this was going to be the hardest part I imagined. The first few pushes didn't produce much but the midwife could tell that the baby's head was getting lower and really close. Then his head finally started to crown, and she said she could see hair! So Micah looked, and was amazed and didn't believe it because it was just a little ridge of skin with hair on it, didn't look anything like he was expecting. They asked me if I wanted to feel it, and I was sort of creeped out so I didn't. I did another big push and then I decided that I did want to feel. So I did. And I was a little creeped out still but it was oddly amazing. Baby was right there! That was some good initiative to give it all I had to get this kid out! Several more big pushes, baby was progressing with each push and then out came the head, another big push and baby was all out! It was the most interesting sensation, when baby was all out and then a gush of fluid. The midwife quickly put the baby on my belly and gave it a quick wipe down, then the midwife and the nurse were looking to Micah to announce what it was. "It's a boy!" In the moment of amazement, Micah almost forgot his job to tell me what it was! I was so thrilled and the nurse wrapped him up a bit and placed him on my chest. I was crying tears of joy and was so amazed that my baby was finally here, in my arms!! For the next few minutes while I laid there in total awe, the midwife had me push a little more to get the placenta out and made sure everything was there. Once that was done she had to stitch me up, as I tore a little during labor. That was pretty much the worst part! I squirmed more during that and felt more pain when she was stitching me up than when I was squeezing out the baby! So bizarre. I must say that while it wasn't the most pleasant thing in the world, but I am so glad that I was able to do it all without meds. It was the most wonderful experience and ended up being not as bad as I expected. Not that I want to do again soon, but I hope to do it again someday!

Photo by Ashley Oberholtzer Photography

31

And again I fail.... time is flying! I have 9 weeks to go!! I cannot believe it, some days I want it to be June right now, and baby to be here, and others I could use another 5 months!! But I don't really have a choice, whenever baby is ready, baby will come! 


Here is a new shot of the belly, this week, week 31. 

I have been busy working on one big project for baby's room, I painted a dresser. It took me a long time, because I only worked on it on the weekends when I didn't work, but its finally done! I am pretty pleased with how it turned out, but I can't wait to get the room all together and see it all complete. And at this point that might be a little tricky because the only furniture we have is the dresser. I am having a heck of a time finding a crib! The style that I really want is expensive so I scrapped that idea and I am looking for pretty much anything at this point, trying to find a deal on craigslist. So we'll see what happens. But here is a before and after of the dresser.

I do have to paint that one little leg in the middle underneath still... kinda missed that, but there is a little sneak peek of the room! I am going with greens and grays and nature-ish themes. I am having a quilt made with various fabrics that have nature themes, leaves, animal prints and such so the room will have lots of stuff like that too. The next step is to get the room painted, I was waiting to do that until after I got this dresser done so we could move the stuff in the room into the loft to paint, so hopefully we can get going on that these upcoming weekends!

26 Weeks

I have been awful at keeping this thing up and going now that I am actually pregnant, so just as February is ending I thought I better get a post in. Everything has been going great. I am loving pregnancy, virtually no complaints, which has been nice. I figured I went through all my hell before getting pregnant so I think I deserve the smooth sailing now! I am getting a little uncomfortable at work since I have to stand all day long, but I bought a pregnancy belly support band and that is helping. But I am sure that I am going to have to find ways to try to sit a little more at work in the last tri - which is quickly approaching. It will be tricky since we do have to move around a lot at the pharmacy, but hopefully I can work something out. 

Here are a couple more belly pics to see how things have been growing....

This is from 20 weeks.

Here is 24 weeks

I have been feeling the little babe moving quite a bit lately, which is nice. It's taken a long time to feel anything from the outside because I found out that I have an anterior placenta, which makes an extra cushion in the front so its a little harder to feel, but now that I am getting bigger its finally coming through to the outside. We still have yet to catch it at the right time so Micah can feel it, I feel like there is never a specific time that the baby is particularly active. My 20 week ultrasound went well, everything looked like it was supposed to! We didn't find out what we are having, as I wanted to have a surprise! Micah is protesting by growing out his beard - because he does want to know, but I just said too bad pal, the baby is in me and I don't want to know! So now I am just hoping that he will have an interview coming up and he will have to shave. :)

I go next week for my glucose test and then I will start going to see my midwife every 2 weeks! That is crazy, I feel like the time is going so fast, which in a way is good, I want to be holding my baby right now!! But also, there is so much to do to prepare for baby that I will take all the time I can get!!

18 Weeks

I am in my 18th week! I am so thankful and I am hoping all is still going well in there! I have an appointment on Monday and I am so excited for it! I am changing clinics, I was seeing an OB that I have been seeing for awhile, but I decided that I wanted to switch to a nurse midwife, so I have my first appointment with her on Monday. I was scheduled to go in for my big ultrasound next week but now since I am switching I will have my first appointment at the new clinic on Monday and hopefully I can schedule the ultrasound for the week after or sometime soon! 

Here is a pic of the belly! This was from Christmas Eve and I was 16 weeks. 

Pregnant!

Well the title says it all. 

I have known for quite some time, but I have been neglecting my little blog here. Oops. 

So here goes, its was pretty much the best surprise ever. It was October 4th, I had been feeling like I was about to get my period for about a week. I had gone online and ordered a 20 pack of cheapie pregnancy tests and some more pre-seed for a new cycle, and was getting amped for more Dr appointments and another round of injections. My order had come on the 3rd, so the morning of the 4th, my period hadn't come yet, so I thought what the hell, and I took one of my cheapie pregnancy tests. It was positive. I stared at it in disbelief. I went and got another test, this time a step up to my dollar store test, also positive. I started breathing a little faster. I went for the big guns and got out my digital test. I saw the most beautiful word. Pregnant. HOLY CRAP! I was freaking out and so damn excited. I ran downstairs and let the dogs out and called my RE. I told them that I had been on a break cycle but just took 3 positive pregnancy tests and wondered if I could come in to get a blood test, they said for same day results I would have to get in ASAP. So I said I would be there, let the dogs in, ran up to change and left. 

I came home about 30 minutes later, and Micah was awake. He said "Where were you, you didn't have to work this morning did you?" I said "No. I went to the doctors office." Pause. "Because I took 3 positive pregnancy tests this morning" I don't exactly remember what transpired next but it was mostly excitement, and him wondering what it would come of the blood test results. I suppose it is a little weird that I didn't wake him and tell him anything before I ran off to the Doctor, but I was in such a state of shock and disbelief that I just had to get there so that I could find out the same day!

I got a call later in the afternoon, the nurse basically just started off saying so what is the deal, we need to get you in later this week and so on and so fourth, but she didn't actually come out and say it was positive. I had to stop her and ask, "So was it positive?" and she said yes, I asked what the beta level was and it was 5359. 5359!! I had never seen such a huge number, from me at least. I was ecstatic! I called Micah and told him the news. I had my first  appointment on Friday the 7th. Micah came with me and we saw the egg sac and the yolk sac. My RE said that things looked good, but basically told us that it could be good if I was 5 weeks along but if I was more like 7 weeks then it wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy. So we were very cautiously excited until our next appointment which was about 2 weeks later on October 20th. 

Since my mothers 60th birthday was October 8th we decided to go ahead and tell our parents right away I knew that a grandbaby was going to be the best present ever for my mom, so I made her a little onsie seen below and gave her a little bib. 

It seemed like forever between our first two appointments and I was so nervous that they weren't going to see anything when we went back. We got to the appointment and waited and waited. Finally a nurse came out and said that the Dr was going to be awhile and asked if I wanted to wait, or if it was ok if she did the ultrasound. I thought it was just fine if she did it, I had seen her way more times than the Dr anyways, so I was comfortable with her. She was very happy for me as I hadn't seen her since I had cycled last, and she was thrilled that it happened without meds and all that fun stuff. So we had the ultrasound and saw a baby!  It was so little but you could actually see  a head and a body this time instead of just a little sac, it was so amazing. She got the heartbeat and that was great, and Micah and I were so relieved! At the end of the appointment I was told that I had officially graduated from the RE and I could go ahead and make an appointment with my OB, so I made an appointment with the OB that I had been seeing before I started infertility treatments. Here is the view of the little one from that day. 

That appointment was November 4th. I had a full workup with the OB and then she went to listen to the heartbeat and she couldn't hear anything. She tried to hear for several minutes to no avail. I was laying on the bed freaking out. She said that she wanted to see if they could get me in to an ultrasound last minute so they could look for the heartbeat. She was able to squeeze me in but I would have to wait a bit. I still had to get lab work done though so that would fill some of the time. After my lab work we sat and waited, in agony(!) for the ultrasound. Finally we were called in. As soon as she got the ultrasound up we could see the baby and the heartbeat. I had a huge sigh of relief. They said it was not uncommon to not hear the heartbeat externally at first but I was still freaking out until I saw that little heart flutter. We got more pictures that day, and you could see so much more. There were arm and leg buds and the head and body were more shaped, not just like a little kidney bean. It was so amazing. Here is the view of the little one from the first OB appointment. 

So now here I am 16 weeks and I am feeling great. I haven't had much morning sickness or anything, and I am in the second trimester, when that usually wears off anyways. I am so thankful each and every day that I am finally pregnant. All I wanted for Christmas was a baby, so I definitely got my wish.  Sure it needs to cook for about 5 1/2 more months but it will be worth the wait! I am due June 4th!

 

Ever-presence

I recently stumbled upon a New York Times site discussing infertility, and it had several sound bites of women talking about their experiences with infertility. All the women had dealt with infertility in different ways. Two women decided in the end to be child-free, two others adopted, another did IVF, and another was going to start injections (like I have been doing) but ended up pregnant before it got to that point. It was very interesting to hear them speak. Many of the things that they spoke about really resonated with me. I have felt many times like I just don't know how to put into words what I am feeling and going through. Since no one else that is close to me in real life has gone through this hell, its hard to describe. 


Here is some of what they said that I can really connect with. 


"I think the thing that people don't understand about infertility is the ever-presence that it has. It's in your life all the time. Because you don't know, your life is kind of on permanent hold. From month to month you can't quite make a decision about are you going to take a different job are you going to move, are you going to set aside money for a vacation because everything is all about trying figure out how to decode the mystery." -Pamela Mahoney Psigdinos


Like I had mentioned before I think about it ALL THE TIME. It is always present, and I can put on a good front, but it hurts to be confronted with things that you don't know if you will ever have. 


"Complete loss of control, you don't know what your life is going to be like"  -Barbara Collura


I used to have things all mapped out. When we got married I thought, ok when we are 25 we will start trying to have a baby. Well that came and I was teaching, so I thought, well I shouldn't get pregnant my first year teaching, so I decided to wait. Then I got laid off, probably shouldn't start trying with no job. So we waited. Finally we thought things were going to be more stable. So lets try......and try.....and try.... to no avail. For a year. Ok well that is pretty normal since my cycles weren't that regular. Ok so I will start the cheap and easy fertility meds. Great! People have lots of success with them. Cycle one, so excited, nope, nothing. Cycle two. Same. Cycle three, four, five, and six. Still nothing. Ok well that was enough of that. What's next.? Seeing a specialist. Neat! Injections? IUI? Scary, but lets do this!! Cycle one......nothing. Cycle two......positive! Miscarriage. What now? Break time. 


"It's never going to be like everyone else does it" -Rebecca Flick


I can't just have sex and have a baby. That would be WAY too easy. I mean it happens, miraculously, for many people. But it honestly boggles my mind. How can it happen? How can it be so easy for some people?  How come I can't be one of those people? 


I am just hoping that this break is over soon... I am just waiting for good old AF to show and then we can move on to IUI #3. The break has been nice, but we are getting into CD 40-something, and I am ready to move on!

Life

Well again there isnt really much to update about. It's ben a pretty busy month. I erroneously thought that things might calm down since I am down to one job! But the hours I have been getting at Target are kinda odd, so I haven't been getting much accomplished at home! I also keep getting scheduled long stretches without a day off, which sucks, but I guess that is the story of my life.

Last weekend we went to a wedding for my second cousin, it was a nice wedding. However, I left the ceremony feeling like a bitter infertile. It was a catholic service, and we aren't catholic, and seven times (7!!!) the priest mentioned things about children "when you are blessed with children," "the blessing of children" "will you accept children" etc. Every time he said something it was like a little knife to my heart. I even started crying. I suppose if people saw it they thought I was just crying happiness for the wedding! But no. It was just a reminder of what was so very absent in my life. I hated that the service left me feeling crabby. But I was able to somewhat snap out of it at the reception. I got my baby fix with my youngest cousin's baby who is just over a year old and cute as can be. I was nervous the whole time that people would ask Micah and I about when we were going to have kids, but luckily no one did. I know many know that we are having troubles, but I am glad they didn't bring it up because I am sure I would have been a fountain of tears.

Another baby fix that I am getting is one day a week nannying. One of the team leads at Target approached me at the end of August asking me if I would want to watch her kids one day a week. I told her that I would love to! So every Wednesday I watch a 3 year old and a 5 month old. They have been a lot of fun. The 3 year old, Owen, is huge into reading and practicing his letters, I also get to take him to preschool every Weds morning. The baby is super mellow and is just a doll. The only thing that has been somewhat challenging is when the baby and I go out while we are waiting for Owen during preschool. I get lots of compliments about her, which is great, but I so wish I could say thank you as if she were mine. I have been trying to just keep thinking how wonderful it will be once I have a baby of my own, and I can be a proud mama!

Stuck

Nothing really interesting to post about....but I haven't posted in awhile so I thought I should. The summer is officially over. I finished up my last day of teaching camp at the zoo yesterday. It was somewhat sad, it was such a fun (but way too fast!) summer, and I will be excited to teach again next summer, unless of course a baby comes along!!! For now its just back to Target. I am thankful for a job, but I really would like something more! We have been taking a real hard look at our finances and making a budget and things aren't looking very pretty! Between all the fertility treatments and other stupid large things that keep popping up its just no fun. So we both have been trying to find new jobs, because we are getting paid peanuts and we can't keep it up forever. I suppose it is good that we aren't pregnant right now so we can get this stuff back in order but on the same token if we had a baby we would have gotten this crap in order a long time ago! Oh well. Just one of those times when I am getting down thinking about how unfair it is that I have to pump so much money into MAKING A BABY, that is supposed to be the fun, FREE part! The expensive stuff is supposed to come after the baby is born!

I feel like I am just getting to this point where I am feeling quite stuck. Not only because we are taking a break this month. But also because I just feel like I am going through the motions of my life but I am not always totally there. Having a baby and getting pregnant are CONSTANTLY on my mind. I go to work and do what I am supposed to do, but when other thoughts are not on the forefront its right back to baby, or lack thereof. Can it happen for us? When is it going to happen for us? Why is infertility happening to us? It all just seems so unfair.

Break

So we are officially on a break. This past cycle was very stressful, and ended terribly, so we have decided to sit this next one out. We will still try, on our own, but there won't be any injections or multiple visits to the Dr involved. I think it will be a welcome change, but knowing that I can get pregnant with all the help, doesn't make me want to stop. But the stress of it all will not be missed. 


Recently on a board that I frequent someone said something about the Michael Buble song "Haven't Met You Yet" that I hadn't really put together, maybe because I'm slow... but they were talking about how it could be a song about infertility, and man did that hit home. Just check out the lyrics.

I'm not surprised. Not everything lasts.

I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.

Talk myself in. I talk myself out.

I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.

I came up with a million excuses.

I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.

You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

I might have to wait. I'll never give up.

I guess it's half timing,

And the other half's luck.

Wherever you are. Whenever it's right.

You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.

And baby your love is gonna change me.

And now I can see every possibility.

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.

And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And I promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair. In love and war.

But I won't need to fight it.

We'll get it right and, We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.

And being in your life is gonna change me.

And now I can see every single possibility.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.

And I'll work to work it out.

Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,

Than I get, than I get, than I get.

You know it'll all turn out.

And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And I promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.

Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet.

Beta #3

It's over. Well, almost. My 3rd beta on Wednesday came back at a 5. I am going to miscarry. I am pretty numb.  And very sad. When they called I could tell right away that it was bad news, I actually held it together while I was on the phone with the nurse this time. But when I hung up I cried, texted my husband and then took a nap. I had to go to work after too. I really didn't want to go. But I can't really afford to not! So I called my sister-in-law and mom on my way to work. BAD IDEA. I was a crying mess to both of them and had a little sob fest in my car before I went into work. I am sure my eyes were all puffy and red when I went in too. I lucked out a little I only had to cashier for a bit, and then I got to go hang out at the service desk where I didn't have to deal with as many people. It was good to keep busy an be at work in the end. But once I got home to my husband I cried more.

I have stopped my progesterone so I should get my period, but if I don't I will have to go in next week for another blood draw to see what is going on. The good news is I can get pregnant. My body is capable. And it can happen again. And it will. I just don't know when!

Beta #2

I had my second blood test yesterday and it came back still somewhat inconclusive. My HCG level rose - which is a good thing, it went from 7 to 16. But this is not a high enough rise. So again I have to go back for another blood test on Wednesday. I am hoping that my numbers climb significantly otherwise I don't think this is going to be it.

IUI #2

Wow so I have been a little busy since my IUI, so again here is a long update.

IUI #2 was on July 31st. Since it was a Sunday I had to go to Minneapolis, so Micah and I got up early to head over there. Micah gave his sample, and then we went to breakfast, and then back for my IUI. I got into the room and got settled and then the nurse comes in to tell me how the sample was - it was good, not quite as high as last time but still good. And then asks if I have any questions. I told her no, this was my second so I knew what to expect. She then goes on to tell me that with the next cycle that they are going to change up my protocol a bit and have me alter the amount of injections every other day. Wait. WHAT? Next cycle? I don't want there to be a next cycle lady!! Why am I even here if you are just gonna write this one off as failed already??? I mostly just gave her a weird look. And left feeling not very good about the cycle.

Since then I have been busy with zoo camp, only 3 weeks left! Then I am hoping I will have another job! It was my birthday on the 5th, and I did the Relay for Life in Forest Lake that night, it was a good night, but I was exhausted after teaching all day and then walking all night for Relay! Micah's sister was in town that weekend as well, so on Saturday we celebrated Ethan's birthday and went to the Mall of America for a bit and then went to Minnehaha for a bit which was fun. Sunday we went to breakfast at Jensen's Cafe where they have my favorite syrup ever, its so caramelly and buttery and delicious!! Then we went to Micah's friends for a BBQ, followed by a little time at the zoo with the kiddos. This week I was teaching a different zoo camp which was fun, but also stressful. It was a photo class which has a lot of little things to do and remember! So I am glad this week is over.

This morning I had my official blood test and it came back somewhat inconclusive. My beta HCG level was a 7, which is technically positive but not as high as they would like to see. I didn't get to talk with the nurse that called as I was teaching this afternoon, so I don't know many more details than that, but I will need to go back Monday for another blood test. Hoping my numbers increase!!

Forward

Finally the next step! Went for my 8th(!!!) ultrasound of the month today and finally I have a big enough follicle to move forward! So tonight I triggered for ovulation and I have my second IUI on Sunday. In some ways its nice that it landed on a weekend so I don't have to miss work, but I was supposed to go to a wedding shower, which won't be happening now! I would have liked to see the family that is going to be there, but lets be honest, getting pregnant sounds like a better deal to me! :)

Wait

And still we wait. I went back to the doctor today for another u/s and b/w. Follicles were still looking good but not much growth again. I am now on CD 22 - last cycle I had my IUI on CD 16. I was asking the nurse why I am taking so much longer to respond this time. And she said the usual 'everyone is so different and every cycle can be very different for the same person even'. She said there isn't a risk of 'tolerance' to the medication - so it is still working, but there are more eggs feeding off of it. She used an analogy that there is the same amount of 'food' on the table but more 'people' eating. Basically last cycle there were about 3 follicles that grew to measurable size, so they were the only ones utilizing the meds. But this time there are lots of more measurable follicles that are all utilizing the meds so none of them are really taking off and growing significantly between ultrasounds. So again I go back on Friday with hopefully a few beautiful looking follicles that will be ready to ovulate! The best news was the results of my bloodwork, they measure the level of estrogen, it was 120-something last Thursday, then it was 88 this weekend, 155 on Monday, and 270 today! They like to see and increase in the levels as you progress through your cycle and 200+ indicates that there are mature follicles, so hopefully that number will be even higher on Friday!

Slow

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! I feel like this cycle is taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R. At my u/s on Saturday everything was looking good, but the follicles weren't quite at the right size, so I did two more days of injections and went back this morning. I was very nervous at first because they said my blood-work from the weekend came back with my estrogen level decreased from a couple days before - which isn't a good sign if it continues to drop. So I was very nervous that things wouldn't be looking good. The follicles had grown a little more but still not totally up to par. So I have to do two more days of injections and then go back again on Wednesday for another u/s and more b/w. Then FINALLY I should be able to trigger and then have IUI #2 on Friday. So no pregnancy test around my birthday, but I suppose its better that way, because if its negative (which it won't be - lets stay positive!) then I won't have a ruined birthday!

Dreams

Well not much to update on at the moment. I have been going in for u/s this week and I am just waiting for my follicles to grow! I am doing the same protocol that I did last month, but my eggs aren't growing quite as fast. I had an appointment Monday, then again on Thursday and I thought by Thursday I would be triggering for an IUI this weekend, but no such luck, there wasn't much growth from Monday to Thursday. So I go in tomorrow morning and I am hoping that I will be triggering tomorrow night for an IUI on Monday.

After my first failed IUI I have been wanting to do some more reading, to help with coping with all the ups and downs. I found an interesting book that I have been enjoying that talks a lot about envisioning, and intention. I have found it to be quite helpful. I am doing things like thinking about what my babies will look like, thinking about that wonderful baby smell and thinking about what it will be like when I am pregnant. My best friend is due with her first in December, so I am also trying to think about me being pregnant when I go visit her in the hospital. The book is called "A Spiritual Path to Overcoming Infertility: Creating your miracle family now" and its been a quick, but useful read. I will leave you with a quote that I quite like from the book:

"Dream lofty dreams

and as you dream, 

so shall you become.

The greatest achievement was at first, 

and for a time, a dream.

The oak sleeps in the acorn;

the bird waits in the egg;

and in the highest vision of the soul, 

a waking angel stirs.

Dreams are the seedlings of realities."

- James Allen

Stress

I find that I have been feeling stressed over this whole mess quite frequently. Some days are good, and some days are not so good. The not so good days I dwell on all the negative things and I really hate that. But sometimes its just hard to get out of the funk. I found this little excerpt about stress and infertility from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. 

Stress Causing Infertility- Though infertility is a highly stressful experience, there is very little evidence that infertility can be caused by stress.  In rare cases, high levels of stress in women can change hormone levels and cause irregular ovulation.

Infertility Causing Stress- Research has shown that women undergoing treatment for infertility have a similar, and often higher, level of "stress" as women dealing with life-threatening illnesses such as cancer and heart disease.  Infertile couples experience chronic stress each month, first hoping that they will conceive and then dealing with the disappointment if they do not.

Why Infertility Is Stressful- When diagnosed with infertility, many couples may no longer feel in control of their bodies or their life plan.  Infertility can be a major crisis because the important life goal of parenthood is threatened.  Experience has shown them that if they work hard at something, they can achieve it.  With IF, this may not be the case.  IF testing testing and treatments can be physically, emotionally, and financially stressful.  A couple's intimacy is often reduced by the IF experience which further contributes to increased stress levels.

I found it quite interesting that women undergoing infertility treatments have a similar or higher stress level than women going through life-threatening illnesses. I think that ties in with the 3rd point that speaks about the goal of parenthood being threatened. It just seems like such a natural and easy thing to be able to do. I mean millions of people do it every year! Have sex, and next thing you know 9 months later.... baby! Right?? Well here I am 2 years later, and no baby. Try and try with all our might, no baby. I do have faith that it will happen, but I would like it to happen sooner rather than later! Some other recent reading said that fertility starts to decrease after 27, seeing as 28 is coming up in a couple weeks we gotta get this baby started!!!

Nutrition

Micah and I recently watched a documentary called Food Matters. It was quite interesting in its discussion about how the foods you eat and the nutrients you receive can be your medicine. It talks about how so much of our food is nutritionally-depleted and has so many chemical additives and how we so heavily rely on pharmaceutical drugs to treat out ailments, when much of it might stem from what we are eating. It discussed how just having the right kind of diet and nutritional supplements could even help cure things like cancer. It was very informative, and definitely sold us on taking more supplements along with helping keep us on a healthier diet.

Recently through their Facebook page they posted "7 Tips To Get Pregnant Naturally" So of course I had to check that out. It talks about increasing your vitamin and mineral intake - which Micah and I both have been doing since April. It also talks about eating healthy fats like avocados, olive and olive oil, coconut and coconut oil, fresh nuts, wild caught fish, and organic eggs. Other good things to eat are foods with a good content of folic acid, and iron - things like chickpeas, asparagus, spinach, broccoli, lima beans, romaine lettuce and oranges. I think those all sound like things that I can make sure to be eating! Especially avocados and oranges, I love them! Not necessarily together though...anways, here is the link to the site, I would also highly suggest seeing Food Matters, it was very educational!
Food Matters

Next

Today I went in for my CD3 ultrasound (u/s). The nurse said that everything looked great, my lining was thin, which is what they want to see at the beginning of a cycle, and there were no surprises in my ovaries. After the u/s I met with the nurse to go over the protocol that I will use this month. The Dr said that by all accounts this past cycle was a great one. The follicles were good, the sperm were good, I responded to meds well etc. So he wants to just do the same again.

Basically every cycle you have a 20% chance of getting pregnant. Before I was on the meds, my chances were much lower. So now that I am having more 'perfect cycles' because of the meds my chances of getting pregnant should be better. It seems crazy that you only have a 20% chance each time. How is it that some people get pregnant on the first try?? Or better yet, be on birth control and get pregnant, I guess I never needed to worry about that!  Anyways, I start my injections again today, and I go back for another u/s in a week, then they will see where things are at and move forward from there. Grow follies, grow!

Negative

Well by this time I have taken so many negative pregnancy tests that I can't even count. So today's news was no surprise. I went in for a blood test this morning and I just got official word that IUI #1 was a failure.

I am disappointed, but ready to get the ball rolling for the second IUI cycle. The Dr. wants me to do the same protocol that I did with the first cycle, because everything went great. So onto more shots and hopefully an big positive test maybe even in time for my birthday....now that would be a great present!

In other news we just got back from a wonderful long weekend up in Fargo for the fourth. We went up Friday night, Saturday we went to the pool. Sunday Alyssa and the girls went to Detroit Lakes with me to a birthday party for my friend Ashley's little boy, then we went to another lake to spend some time with my family that was up there. Back in Fargo we set up a tent in Alyssa's back yard and had my friends over for a bonfire, and then that night the 3 oldest kids and I slept in the tent. I was so surprised they all made it through the night! On the 4th we went to the pool again for a bit, but they closed early then we went over to some friends of Alyssa's for some food, and fireworks. We started fireworks early because some families leave before it gets too dark. About 9:30 it started getting really dark in the horizon but we kept going until it started to sprinkle - we even heard the sirens once but it was still pretty far off. It did start raining just shortly after 10 and so we all went in the basement for a bit. Once it was over we got back to our fireworks, and the had lots! It was a fun night. The next morning we learned there was a tornado sighted in Mapleton - which is where we were! We rounded out the weekend with another trip to the pool on Tuesday before heading home. Now its back to work.